On this page I might like to have some pure and simple Wintel bashing/computer jokes -- some examples are below. Hey, I even added some for the investors out in CyberLandia - plus some incredible quotes.
I could use some input here, as with the other pages-- pleeeeeeezzzzz -- I'm begging -- woof woof!
The box said "Windows 95 or better," so I got a Mac.
Q: How many Windows PC owners does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, as long as you explain it's Plug'n'Play... they get confused if it doesn't come with a driver disk...
Why is the Pentium 266 so fast? - It's for booting faster, if Windows crashed again.
Hiroshima '45 - Chernobyl '86 - Windows '95
I'll never forget the 1st time I ran Windows, but I'm trying...
Windows NT - Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty
Microsoft gives you Windows... Anyone else gives you the whole house
Bugs come in through open Windows
OS/2 VirusScan -- "Windows found: Remove it? [Y,Y]"
Microsoft is to Software as McDonalds is to Cuisine
Favorite Windoze game: "Guess what this icon does?"
The word "Windows" is a word out of an old dialect of the Apaches. It means: "White man staring through glass-screen onto an hourglass..."
Windows - a solitaire game that requires 20 MB and HD
Microsoft broke Volkswagen's world record: Volkswagen only made 22 million bugs!
Customer: I'm running Windows 95...
Helpdesk: Yes...
Customer: ...and now my computer stopped working!
Helpdesk: Yes, you already said that.
Toasters
If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide
market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would
get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for
you.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about
it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If University of Waterloo
made toasters...
They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.
If ParcPlace made toasters...
Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.
If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and
styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel
Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three
years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing
smoke.
If Sun made toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa
Java.
Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made
toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast
and gives you regular bread.
If Tandem made toasters...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned
the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.
If Thinking Machines made
toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same
time.
If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
single-slice toaster in the world.
If The Rand Corporation
made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube.
Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their
service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the
blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents.
The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of
national security.
If Sony made toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece
of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to
your belt.
If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that
take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that
you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If the Franklin Mint made
toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece
of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
If CostCo made toasters...
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.
And, of course:
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still
have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds
(hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity
to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen,
would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how
light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate
your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would
hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since
most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years
earlier.
Lunch at the Hewlett-Packard Cafeteria
This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's, no screaming disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man for life.
I had a 9:00 meeting with my HP sales rep.
I needed to buy an entire new series 70--the works. He said it
would take about an hour. Three hours later, we'd barely gotten
the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he invited me downstairs
for lunch.
This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service
counter was a menu which began . . . .
MMUs (Main Menu Units)
00010A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order condiments 00110A separately
001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.
00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun
and
condiments.
001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.
00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger
001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.
00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A
001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.
My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger
and a root beer. The waitress looked at me like I was an alien.
"How would you like to order that, sir?" "Quickly,
if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?"
"No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you
like?" I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?"
"The patty is rated at eight bites." "Well, how
about the rest of it?" "I don't have the specs on that,
sir, but I think it's a bit more." "Eight bites is too
small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."
My sales rep interrupted. "No, you
want the Single Burger option 002 'expands burger to two patties.'
The double burger upgrade would give you two burgers.
"But you could get return credit on the extra bun,"
the waitress chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it
isn't documented."
I looked around to see if anybody was staring
at me. There was a couple in line behind us. I recognized one
of them, a guy who nearly mowed me down in the parking lot with
his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking to some woman who was
waving her arms around and looking very excited.
"What if . . . we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the
vegetable option and without the burger and cheese? It would be
a BLT!"
The woman charged off in the direction of
the telephone, running steeplechases over tables and chairs. My
waitress tried to get my attention again. "Have you decided,
sir?"
"Yeah, give me the double burger--excuse me, I mean the 00020A
with the option 001. I want everything on it." She put me
down for the Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise,
mustard and pickles with a option to substitute relish.
"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that,
too." "That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product."
My sales rep butted in again. "Thats not a supported configuration."
"What now?" I kept my voice steady. "Too juicy.
The bun can't handle it." "Look. Forget the ketchup,
just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."
The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but thats not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't fit in the box. The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."
I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number
000210A, option 110. French, followed by option 120, English.
"What the hell are English Fries?" I turned to the sales
rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them."
I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle."
The confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an
option is configured only for series 00450 Milkshakes." My
sales rep chuckles. "No ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A
off the shelf." I wondered how long it had been on the shelf.
I didn't ask.
"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh of relief. "Your meal is now on order. Now how would you like it supported?" "Support?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget.
"Implementation assistance?"
"You get a waiter."
"Implementation analysis?"
"You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to
eat."
"Response Center Support?"
"He brings it to your table."
"Extended materials?"
"You get refills."
I stuffed some money at the waitress and
told her to take it. She gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar
paper. I studied it on my way to the table, and decided it would
pass as an emergency napkin.
Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table.
He hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The
table waiter slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded room,
looked at me and said, "Two weeks. But I can get you a stand
alone chair by the window right away."
I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of chili and sauerkraut for a hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room began to grow dim, my eyesight faded . . . .
I woke up clutching the water glass at my bedside table. It was five AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.
Clinton, Yeltsin, and Bill Gates appear before God. God says to them, "I'm going to destroy Earth in 2 days. Go back to your people and tell them." POOF! Back to Earth they go.
Clinton appears on U. S. television and says, "My fellow Americans, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we were right; there IS a God. The bad news is, he's going to destroy Earth in 2 days."
Yeltsin appears on Russian television and says, "My fellow Russians, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is, we were wrong; there IS a God. The worse news is, he's going to destroy Earth in 2 days."
Gates appears on Microsoft closed-circuit television and tells his employees, "Microsoft employees, I have good news and better news. The good news is, God considers me a very important person. The better news is, WE CAN FORGET ABOUT ALL THOSE BUG FIXES FOR WINDOWS 95!!!!"
The Stock Market Explained
Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
Broker -What my broker has done to me.
"Buy, Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.
Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
Day Trader - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.
Cisco - Sidekick of Pancho.
Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo @ 240 per share.
Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.
Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.
Alan Greenspan - God
Oh, Ye of Little Faith....
"Computers in the future may weigh
no more than 1.5 tons."
--- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science,
1949
"I think there is a world market for
maybe five computers."
--- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth
of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure
you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--- the editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall,
1957
"But what ... is it good for?"
--- engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
1968, commenting on the microchip
"There is no reason anyone would want
a computer in their home."
--- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment
Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings
to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device
is inherently of no value to us."
--- Western Union internal memo, 1876
"The wireless music box has no imaginable
commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in
particular?"
--- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s
"The concept is interesting and well-formed,
but in order to earn better than a "C," the idea must
be feasible."
--- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred
Smith's paper proposing a reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Fed Ex)
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides,
the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies,
not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
--- response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Field's Cookies
"We don't like their sound, and guitar
music is on the way out."
--- Decca Recording Co., rejecting the Beatles, 1962
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't
have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples
that said you can't do this."
--- Spencer Silver, on the work that led to the unique adhesives
for 3-M "Post-It" notepads
"Stocks have reached what looks like
a permanently high plateau."
--- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929
"Everything that can be invented has
been invented."
--- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain
will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane
surgeon."
--- Sir John Eric Erickson, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary
to Queen Victoria, 1873
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
--- Bill Gates, 1981
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
-- 
Questions
and comments may be emailed to the editor of Apple Bytes at 
Editor/Webmaster - Sonny
|
|
|
My Closeout Deals & Real Estate -->> Personal Sales Mis cosas en -- My Cigars & Goodies on -->> YardSaleNet.net My Offerings on -- My treasures on -- |
Free counters provided by Andale.
|
COPYRIGHT © 2002 - 2007 by *
|
| These pages have NO relationship with Apple Computer Inc. or any of the other entities mentioned, and bring you this info as a service and promotion of the Macintosh platform, hardware, software and services. Models illustrated, logos of various kinds and names of stuff are the copyright trademarks of the respective businesses depicted and are used herein in exactly the same way they are used in a lot of other websites and eBay -- purely as an identifying reference. After all, it is a form of FREE advertising, and every little bit helps! |
-->> 
